we_became_chaos's Xanga

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 02:33:09 GMT

Some days I feel lucky. Some days I feel lost.

Today, I feel disoriented, confused, unsure, and dependent.

Hm.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:12:03 GMT

drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do-
You won't but you might.
The potential you'll be that you'll never see,
The promises you'll only make.
Drink up with me now,
And forget all about the pressure of days.
Do what I say and I'll make you okay
And drive them away
(The images stuck in your head.)

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore,
That push and shove and won't bend to your will...
I'll keep them still.

Drink up baby, look at the stars.
I'll kiss you again between the bars,
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught.
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine,
Keep you apart, deep in my heart,
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot.

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore,
That push and shove and won't bend to your will...
I'll keep them still.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 02:28:25 GMT

When a dragonfly lands on you, you will hear excellent news from someone far away from home. A dead dragonfly symbolizes sad news. The dragonfly symbolizes going past self-created illusions that limit our growing and changing. Dragonflies are a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity.

They are fantastic flyers, darting like light, twisting, turning, changing direction, even going backwards as the need arises. They are inhabitants of two realms - starting with water, and moving to the air with maturity, but staying close to water. Some people who have the dragonfly as their totem have had emotional and passionate early years, but as they get older they achieve balance with mental clarity and control. They gain an expression of the emotional and mental together.

Dragonflies are old and adaptive insects, and are most powerful in the summer under the effects of warmth and sunlight. Their colors are a result of reflecting and refracting the power of light. As a result, they are associated with color magic, illusion in causing others only to see what you wish, and other mysticism.

Dragonflies are reminders that we are light and can reflect the light in powerful ways if we choose to do so. "Let there be light" is the divine prompting to use the creative imagination as a force within your life. They help you to see through your illusions and allow your own light to shine in a new vision.

For the dragonfly (and its closest relative, the damselfly), life starts out encased in an egg. These eggs are laid in water, and when the young dragonfly emerges, it is known as a nymph. These juvenile dragonflies are not nearly of the beauty or stature of their adult counterparts. In fact, they can be downright ugly. Their wings are tiny and their jaws are large and extended, to make it easier to find their favorite foods (like mosquito larvae). They can spend three years in the nymph stage, living in water, waiting to truly take form.

The chance that the procedure of morphing from nymph to dragonfly is painful is very high. The first step seems easy enough. The nymph just climbs out of the water to rest on a plant stem or leaf. But then, the process really begins! The skin of the nymph begins to split, with the new head emerging from the ruins. The rest of it emerges, until finally free, its wings have a chance to dry and become strong enough to fly. The process takes about two hours. However, it won't be fully complete for another day or two, when the beautiful colors begin to fully come in.

Dragonflies were originally given their name to pay tribute to the awesome power and strength of their jaws for hunting and catching their prey. Their diet consists mostly of flies and mosquitoes and the like, which luckily we view as pests.

The dragonfly's shell is designed with special facets that reflect and refract their beautiful colors and the light of the sun. This almost sparkling appearance has leant added meaning to the dragonfly's form. They've taken on a mystical and magical symbolism. The dragonfly's magic is its light magic, and all of the wonderful similes, metaphors and cliches that light has inspired. In Japan, the Japanese people have chosen to honor the dragonfly as a symbol of joy and new light.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 03:54:13 GMT

yesterday is gone. did you waste it? do you regret how to spent it?

will you feel that way about today, come tomorrow?

these are the questions that have occupied my mind lately. i am doing everything within my power to stay happy and enjoy every last second i have left... 'cause i never know when that last second will tick by.

scary thought.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 03:24:24 GMT

Ohhh geez.

I am going to claw myself right out of this skin I'm stuck in. I am still in denial. I can't believe it. I pass her house every day on the way to school. Her car has been there the past couple of days, idk why because I thought they gave it to Aaron. Unless he gave it back or something. I don't know.

It hurts so much. I want to escape but I know that I can't. This will never go away, it is set in stone. Permanent. She is gone, forever. Not just a couple of months. Not just a year or two... or five... or twenty.

Forever.

Please come back...

easy/lucky/free

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 18:08:07 GMT

did it all get real? i guess it's real enough
they got refrigerators full of blood
another century spent pointing guns
at anything that moves
sometimes i worry that i've lost the plot
my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
i never really dreamed of heaven much
until we put her in the ground

but it's all i'm doing now
listening for patterns in the sound
of an endless static sea
but once the satellite's deceased
it blows like garbage through the streets
of the night sky to infinity

but don't you weep (don't you weep for them)
don't you weep (don't you weep)
there is nothing as lucky
don't you weep (don't you weep for them)
don't you weep (don't you weep)
there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free

don't be a criminal in this police state
you better shop and eat and procreate
you got vacation days then you might escape
to a condo on the coast

i set my watch to the atomic clock
i hear the crowd count down til the bomb gets dropped
i always figured there'd be time enough
i never let it get me down

but i can't help it now
looking for faces in the clouds
i got some friends i barely see
but we're all planning to meet
we'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
all together for eternity

but don't you weep (don't you weep for them)
don't you weep (don't you weep)
there is nothing as lucky
don't you weep (don't you weep for them)
don't you weep (don't you weep)
there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free
or free, or free, or free
there's nothing, there's nothing, there's nothing...

iris

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 18:03:03 GMT

i'd give up forever to touch you
cause i know that you'd feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be
and i don't want to go home right now

and all i can taste is this moment
and all i can breathe is your life
cause sooner or later it's over
i just don't want to miss you tonight

and i don't want the world to see me
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything seems like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

and i don't want the world to see me
cause i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am
i just want you to know who i am

"Russian Roulette"

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:23:59 GMT

this is like a cancer, but of the heart... a tumor, eating away at me. devouring me. i just don't know how to deal. i wake up every day hoping it will be easier, and it never is. it just sets in more and more than you will not be coming back. i don't know what to do without you. you were the only person that really knew me around here. no one will ever know me like you did. no one ever knew you like i did. it is just so fucking unfair, i put so much effort and time and love into our friendship, and it just ends. over five years. but that is not long enough. that is nothing in comparison to these 6 days that you have been gone. one day you are right there, talking and laughing and BREATHING. four days later i am standing in front of a pile of gorgeous flowers and that is all that's left. you left me. how could you leave me in this cold, pointless life? there will never be anyone like you, there will never be another best friend who knew me so well. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i feel so alone. i know i'm not, but no one can make this aching subside. you are constantly all i think about.

i called your phone, hoping that i could hear your voice again. i just want to hear you at least. but your voice mail is automated. what a disappointment.

i feel desperate. hopeless. helpless. numb. pointless. alone. empty. everywhere i look, everything i hear, everything i do... everything reminds me of you. everything relates to you. it's absolutely ridiculous.

i can't take this. i just want so badly to escape this feeling, this loneliness, this pain, for 5 minutes. but i can't. i never will, because you will never be back. this void will always exist in me. i can only hope that in time it is smaller, or thought of less often, because this is breaking me down. i have never been so unstable in my life. i never expected something like this to happen to me, or to you.

why couldn't i at least tell you goodbye and that i love you? and how important you are to me? i hope you knew.

god damnit, please come back...

i know that i will never see you or talk to you again, until the day that i join you... god willing i do join you, wherever you are, in whatever comes after this bullshit. i can't wait to hug you tight, and just tell you how much i love you and missed you. i can't wait.

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Now playing: Incubus - Pardon Me

written 10/21/2007

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:13:39 GMT

you were buried today... is this really happening? myself, samantha, robbie, coty, my parents, and becca planted your weeping willow today. we also wrote you letters and attached them to balloons tonight, and released them for you. they were green balloons, your favorite color, and we counted to four instead of three to release them because you hate odd numbers. kelly, we miss you. i know wherever you are is a stunning, beautiful place.

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Now playing: Goodbye Tomorrow - Time Restrains

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 17:57:57 GMT

December 24, 1989 - October 17, 2007.

rest in peace, kelly nicole kimbrell. i'm sure you are, you freaking hippie. you were too young. i just wish i had a chance to apologize. a chance to change this. a chance to do more with you, to spend more time with you before you had to leave us. it's just so unfair, so untimely, so wrong, so completely impossible to believe. you are all i can think about now. everywhere i look in my room, there is something just screaming your name. my pirate flag from the OBX that you have a matching one, my bamboo plant (man you loved bamboo), the women's restroom sign from first citizens (your mom would have choked us if she knew about that!), the stop sign, the cheetah print comforter you always made your little bed with. my family guy dvds, because we watched them way too much... especially that one episode, "death is a bitch." the robot magnet guy you gave me. the "feeling lucky?" and "assume the position" magnets we got at spencer's. game boy. mario. the two vases full of dried flowers, that you taught me the basic principle for how to do that - just to hang them upside down somehow. i remember convincing people you were my twin (idiots), parasailing together, my messed up toe and the fact that you were able to laugh at how disgusting it was with me instead of being grossed out - especially while we were at the beach. stencils, spraypaint, car paint. going to mcmillan park at night time before many people knew about it. "MUFFIN SHIT!" starbucks. postsecret. running up the down escalator in the mall, and amanda falling, and that lady coming on the intercom and saying, "ladies. please get off the escalator." talking about how we'd have a duplex together one day, away from anybody to tell us what to do, and sitting in the various jacuzzis at home depot the day you got your car, discussing the fact that we were going to have the biggest one we could find when we got our own place...

...that damned clemson summer camp, where we were miserable, and you got in trouble just because you wouldn't eat tuna so they tried to make you clean the lobby area... but of course, stubborn you wouldn't do that. making those like 50 sticky notes that said peppy/happy things about pepto bismol and covering the dorm's bathroom mirror in them, scaring all the other girls in the middle of the night by clawing their doors, and smacking our soaking wet jeans from the FORCED game of dodgeball (in the rain) against the walls because all the blue dye ran down the wall and made a mess that someone else had to clean up. we were miserable, but what i wouldn't give to have that week with you back because we were in it together. that one time you walked all the way to my house, and we were all so worried about where you had been for a whole hour. the spring break vacation to the keys, because even though my parents thought we hated it we talked about how beautiful it was and i am so grateful now that you were the one i took with me because i will always have those memories with you, and those pictures, from the only real vacation i've ever been on. and it was spent with you, kelly kimbrell-y...

...i could go on and on and on just like this, and not be done typing for weeks on end. no one will read this, but it is all so special to me. no one could ever understand how i feel... you were the best friend i ever had, and it is killing me and ripping me apart that this is what it took to show me that. i fall asleep every night thinking that i am going to wake up and none of this will be real... just a dream, or a sick sick joke... but it's not. this is a living nightmare, and i don't know what to do with myself. i know that deep down in your heart, you knew that i still loved you. i honestly feel like despite everything that has happened over the past year, you were secretly still my best friend in my heart, and i can only hope you felt the same. this is a life changing experience - i will never be the same. i hope that wherever you are, you can see us and see how much everyone cares about you. i hope that you will see the garden we are going to make for you, kellyflower, and that you will see the weeping willow i am planting in my back yard for you and that you will love it. this situation has affected more lives than anyone would have expected. it is heartwarming (as much as anything could be under these circumstances) to see how many people care and want to help all of us that knew you and cared about you, and i know that this will be a massive lesson in many ways for a hell of a lot of people. you aren't just that quiet girl that everyone only knows as "the girl that wore those pink glasses all the time in seventh grade," or the very quiet girl that they don't know much about, much less ever talk about... you are the talk of spartanburg county now, babygirl. i love you, and i miss you terribly...

i would also like to thank everyone for all of your phone calls, emails/messages, and text messages of support. even if i have not replied, know that this is a very hectic and chaotic time for me but i really do appreciate everything. when i went to work thursday night, the first thing i did was get a fortune cookie. i ate the cookie (because kelly and i always said you gotta eat the cookie before you read the fortune), and i read my fortune. it was a very touching moment, because my fortune read, "you will always be surrounded by friends when you need them." it was very good timing, and very true. i guess i somewhat forgot how many friends i had, and how much good nature even strangers have when they know you are suffering and going through a difficult time. thank you all so, so much...

i especially want to thank robert, samantha, and jam. you guys have really been my support, my rocks, my back bone these past few days. i hate to think where i'd be if you weren't there for me. i am so fucking lucky to have you all. i love you.