this is like a cancer, but of the heart... a tumor, eating away at me. devouring me. i just don't know how to deal. i wake up every day hoping it will be easier, and it never is. it just sets in more and more than you will not be coming back. i don't know what to do without you. you were the only person that really knew me around here. no one will ever know me like you did. no one ever knew you like i did. it is just so fucking unfair, i put so much effort and time and love into our friendship, and it just ends. over five years. but that is not long enough. that is nothing in comparison to these 6 days that you have been gone. one day you are right there, talking and laughing and BREATHING. four days later i am standing in front of a pile of gorgeous flowers and that is all that's left. you left me. how could you leave me in this cold, pointless life? there will never be anyone like you, there will never be another best friend who knew me so well. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i feel so alone. i know i'm not, but no one can make this aching subside. you are constantly all i think about.
i called your phone, hoping that i could hear your voice again. i just want to hear you at least. but your voice mail is automated. what a disappointment.
i feel desperate. hopeless. helpless. numb. pointless. alone.
empty. everywhere i look, everything i hear, everything i do... everything reminds me of you. everything relates to you. it's absolutely ridiculous.
i can't take this. i just want so badly to escape this feeling, this loneliness, this pain, for 5 minutes. but i can't. i never will, because you will never be back. this void will always exist in me. i can only hope that in time it is smaller, or thought of less often, because this is breaking me down. i have never been so unstable in my life. i never expected something like this to happen to me, or to you.
why couldn't i at least tell you goodbye and that i love you? and how important you are to me? i hope you knew.
god damnit, please come back...
i know that i will never see you or talk to you again, until the day that i join you... god willing i do join you, wherever you are, in whatever comes after this bullshit. i can't wait to hug you tight, and just tell you how much i love you and missed you. i can't wait.
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Incubus - Pardon Me
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